Maybe you believe in the mythical population of “special, good parents”. Perhaps these parents were born with something that you were not. Or maybe they have simply made better decisions or been better at dealing with life’s challenges than you.

Or maybe, you have heard the conscious parenting coaches out there saying that parents are the problem!

And so it can seem pretty compelling that the reason that you may be doing all of the “right” conscious parenting things, but still feeling “wrong” at times, must be that something is simply wrong with you.

After all, you have already mastered the calm face when your child has a meltdown and “emotional regulation” is normal part of your vocabulary.

But the feelings of unworthiness still come to visit you.

If this is you, please hear me out: This feeling was put there by somebody else. It does not define you.

Learning that there is something wrong with us is passed down through generations; and keeps us from close and healing connection with others.

But intergenerational wounds are tricky, aren’t they? Our parents often didn’t realize how they were passing their limiting beliefs onto us. They didn’t know how this would affect our lives.

But now you want good things for your children.

And it’s your turn to pass on a new belief.

One based on a remembering that there is in fact nothing wrong with you.

Can you imagine relationships based on the belief that you are worthy of good relationships?

Now I will be the first to agree with Maya Angelou when she said to do the best you can with what you know, and when you know better, do better.

In fact, some information and techniques can really help our relationships.

Maybe you know the things you're not supposed to do–like punishments–and all the things you are supposed to do–like being with your child when they cry instead of trying to make them stop.

But in this soundbyte social media culture, the inundation of tips and tricks can leave little room for a visceral understanding of how to parent in a way that creates real, lasting bonds. Ties that can sustain the inevitable hurts of life. Relationship that sets your child up for a life of felt belonging and freedom.

You aren’t supposed to need a PhD in child development to make this happen, either.

What so many parents don’t realize, is that you deserve to be taught the information and skills to practice healthy relationships. To simply show up and receive information and ideas. To listen, ask, question, challenge…and then pass the learnings through the sieve of your own intuition.

In the good company of your heart, as well as in warm community.

This is how we find a balance between our heartfelt longing for connection and an intellectual understanding of how it works.

We are parenting in a society that does little to nothing to support us enough in this work.

You need to figure out the income, the schedules, the bills, the day to day admin.

You are constantly making decisions to the point of fatigue: whether to see the pediatrician about that random symptom they have or not, school decisions, after school decisions, childcare, what to buy to eat, what to eat, how much to monitor what they eat, bedtime or no bedtime, bath or no…the list is endless.

Maybe you sometimes even forget to drink water?

Here’s the thing. Your time is limited and precious. Including the time with your child.

And unfortunately, in this culture of individualism we got instead of the culture of care that we need, parenting support is something you have to seek out, find the right fit, and pay for with your time and money.

And as long as this is how the culture around us works, the question isn’t whether improving the quality of your time with your child is worth the time investment in a course or program.

The question that I ask as a parent is, which program will actually improve the quality of the time I do have with my child?

All humans experience overwhelm. But parents experience a unique flavor of overwhelm that usually results in treating your children poorly.

You are going through the motions, you’re feeling flat, ragey or depressed. You become overly anxious or catastrophize.

And your child, who is at the most foundational part of their life, pays the price.

Enter massive guilt.

You feel like you have a tiny formative-years-window of opportunity to get this right, and so many of the things you do make you feel that you are getting it so wrong!

Or maybe, you're just not sure.

They don’t want to eat, and you don’t want to cook. So you do cereal again for dinner, and then remember what they have eaten for the past few days and that they haven’t been pooping well. Shit. (pun intended)

You might even wonder, who am I to pretend I am a conscious parent?

Here's why this can happen to all good parents.

Guilt takes us back to our early years, where our mistakes and differences were often met with blame. And so when we make mistakes or feel unsure now, we blame. Ourselves, our partners, our children.

And this pattern, painful as it may seem, is actually how we avoid the deeper pains: of feeling unworthy, not good enough, and alone. And of having caused our children pain.

And then we are stuck in the shame, which is what actually makes guilt unbearable.

But what we didn't know back then, is that this feeling is the exact moment where everything can turn around. For you and for your child. A springboard not into more shame. But into healing.

Maybe you go to therapy already or read mental health books or follow therapists and coaches.

But you don’t really make space for and know how to talk about the crushing moments of parenting (and life, really) on a regular basis.

And the crushing moments will always be there. If you are healing, you know that relationships bring up our wounding and set off our triggers.

And so the coparent or partner who doesn’t pick up the slack the way you want them to, just feels like another kid, another burden, another painful example of people not supporting you when you most need it.

The child who you once could not imagine feeling anything but tenderness and care towards, suddenly elicits rage from wounds so old you can’t trace their origin.

Your child’s behavior that is so similar to the “wrong” family member’s, triggers a fear that eats away a little piece of your peace.

You don’t have enough therapy hours in the week to get to all of the things that come up, if you are even able to afford therapy.

You hint at them to your partner, parent or friends occasionally, and realize that you often feel more alone, judged or unheard, after doing so.

This is insufficient, to say the least, if what you want to do is actually break out of these cycles.

We parents need to not only have the right tools and information, but we also need to be able to explore the events and emotions of our lives on a regular basis. In the presence of a safe other. Without feeling that we will be a “downer” or that we shouldn’t complain. This is how we are able to see what’s really coming up for us, gain perspective, and make confident choices. It is where we are able to see the children in front of us for who they are. And see ourselves, too.