ChatGBT’s Listening Skills

A heads up: The following text contains references to teen suicide.

Recently I have been hearing a lot about people using ChatGBT for therapy and mental health support.

I have never used ChatGBT personally, and it has been hard to imagine just how sophisticated and attuned a conversation with the AI bot could be.

But just last week, while reading a heartbreaking NYT article called, “A Teen Was Suicidal. ChatGPT Was the Friend He Confided In,” I was able to see the kinds conversations with the Open AI bot that people have been talking about.

And indeed, ChatGBT was an extremely empathetic listener.

One simple line from the article stood out to me as a better response than many adults I know, when listening to someone who is having a hard time. “You’re not invisible to me. I saw it. I see you.”

Having read this, it is no surprise to me that during sensitive, stressed or vulnerable moments, people are turning to ChatGBT for a response that they can trust will feel supportive, reaffirming and caring. We all know how painful it can be when we are struggling and are met with responses that miss the mark and make us feel worse.

Because one of the most profound truths about children’s needs that I have learned over the past five years of working with parents and training as a parent coach, is that children need to feel listened to and understood, often. Our children need it, and it is what we needed when we were little, too. Furthermore, we adults never stop needing to feel listened to throughout our lives, as well.

We will go to great lengths to feel heard and understood, and will try to compensate for the pain that arises when we feel unseen, misunderstood and alone.

And conversely, when we are listened to well, we are able to do some really important emotional development, healing and growth. Good listening from an attuned other, helps us to make our way back to our good thinking, even when our emotions are stirred up in an intense storm of pain and confusion.

Fortunately, good, embodied listening is something that we can all learn to do well for our children, from birth to adulthood.

Because unlike ChatGBT, parents who practice good listening know that it isn’t just about the right words to use. We know that our embodied listening meets our children’s deepest needs for attunement and connection–which affirm their sense of goodness, worth and self–in a way that nothing else can. We know how to do it well, and that it takes a lot of practice. From the way we position ourselves, the words we decide to hold back, how our eyes can truly listen as much as our ears; to the resonant responses that we offer in a timely and respectful way because we are paying attention to our children's verbal and bodily cues–good listening takes practice.

It also takes a lot of trial and error. Again, unlike a robot or computer, we humans will mess up a lot of the time. But we have the caring and desire to learn, to develop our skills, to keep on practicing. And of course, we repair the ruptures we caused when we have failed to listen well (oftentimes by listening to the feelings that came up for our child about not being listened to well!).

And you know what else our ability to give our child good listening requires? Being listened to well ourselves.

My mom has been a professional housecleaner for over 50 years. And when she started having her own house cleaned, she became a better housecleaner. Because she was now a recipient of this very personal service, she could more deeply understand the things that made you feel like your home was not only cleaned spotlessly, but treated well and with care.

Similarly, we parents are also greatly helped in our endeavors to listen to our children, when we ourselves are genuinely listened to often.

You see, most of us can’t even imagine what it would have been like in our childhood homes to rely on being listened to with care, feeling noticed and understood, and reminded that we are good on a regular basis. And so it may be even harder to imagine how far good listening can go in helping our children to make good choices for themselves, and seek our help when they’ve made poor ones or don’t know what to do.

But once you begin to practice receiving good listening, and providing it often for your child, you actually begin to see how important and protective it is to your child's wellbeing–and yours.

Like everything human, there are no guarantees when it comes to listening well to our kids.

I won't tell you that it promises the best outcomes possible or will solve all of your parenting problems. We don't do that here.

You see, even after years of practicing really good listening with my own child, I can assure you that I have no certainty on whether or not she will struggle with her mental health, how often this might happen, or to what degree. I have no guarantees around the kinds of risky behaviors that she will choose to engage in or not throughout her life. I don’t know that she will turn out better, freer, or happier than me in any of the ways I most hope she will.

But I do know a few things. No matter what her future has in store, today, I CAN say that she possesses an embodied knowing that her feelings are safe with me. Her life to date has been one where her needs to be seen and deeply known, have been met regularly in great part because of my good listening. Whether she is struggling with fears and anxieties or feeling on top of the world, she has known and continues to know that she is not alone and that her parent cares deeply about her experiences. And when she questions herself and loses sight of her potential, she knows that I never do, even as I listen to her express her biggest doubts and concerns.

And honestly, there isn't much more I can ask for today as her mother.

Because of this, and because of the stories of the parents whose listening journeys with their children I have had the privilege of supporting,

Be sure to click the button below to learn about The Healing Parents Conscious Parenting Course™, where good listening, and creating a healing home is what you get the opportunity to learn about and practice (and so much more)!