Social skills for kids: do they need to be taught?

There are so many skills that our children need in order to navigate the world they are inheriting.

Some examples include skills for social interactions, emotional regulation, practical tasks, problem solving, personal care, community building, and decision making. 

The thing is, imposing these skills on our children can be to the detriment of their genuine and intrinsic use of them. It can also feel like our positive regard for them is contingent on whether they use these skills the way we want them to.

This is why, when it comes to almost any life skills that parents want their children to embrace, my number one recommendation is to model the skill ourselves.

Do you want your child to learn social tools like good manners, and eventually use them in graciously, respectfully and authentically when they interact with others? You really don't need to teach them to say "please" as soon as they can talk. You only need to use manners graciously, respectfully and genuinely, often enough, with them.

They will also be watching how you treat the cashier, the person who approaches you for a handout, or your neighbor. 

Of course, we all have moments where we are too upset, distracted or frustrated to use these skills ourselves, which means we can point out the times where we miss the mark and say what we wish we had done differently.

Generally, the younger children are, the more we should rely on modeling life skills, and the absolute least we should invest in trying to teach, train or tell them to use them. With young children, it is usually best to let them do the work of observing us, trying things out, making mistakes, finding solutions, and knowing that they can count on us to be there for them as they do. 

For example, kindergarteners don't need to hear "be kind". They just need to see you show them what it looks like to be kind, and help them out with a limit (not a lecture) when they are unable to treat each other well.

A three-year old can watch how we brush our teeth, practice brushing their own, and then of course, we check to make sure the job was thorough. We don’t need to tell them “you need to do this every day” or ensure that they master a perfect technique. They see us do it every day. And they do it to their best ability and initiative, according to their developmental stage.

But as our children get older, it becomes necessary for us to explicitly help them with many of the skills they need.

Lately my nine year old and I have been talking about the skills that she is practicing in social interactions. She is a fantastic friend (if I do say so myself) and really enjoys having close friendships. She also feels overwhelmed in new environments where she has to put any work into meeting potential new friends–which I know she really wants to do. 

The larger context around our conversations, is that all people need help with some skills. And that kids deserve to get a lot of help and support with the ones that can feel harder for them to develop. Some kids, for example, need help in noticing how their words or actions might affect others. Other kids, such as my daughter, need help with the skills involved in noticing certain social cues and identifying opportunities for making friends in new spaces (especially when she is the only new person).

Sometimes teaching our children certain life skills can feel daunting to parents, especially when they touch on topics that bring up difficult memories from our own stories, or involve painful feelings like fear, sadness or shame.

From puberty talks to online safety to discerning healthy friendships to dealing with tricky adults…having conversations and teaching our kids skills can have us searching for scripts and skills ourselves so we don’t mess it up!

But before you run for the scripts, consider the following.

Things to keep in mind when it comes to social skills for kids, and teaching your child any important life skills

They’ll probably have feelings about them.

Different skills will bring up all sorts of feelings for each kid. One sibling may seem to shut down entirely about a topic that their older sibling leaned into with enthusiasm and curiosity when they were the same age. A part of sharing skills with kids involves making A LOT of room for the feelings that will come up for them.

They’ll need to practice.

Kids are going to need to practice new ways of doing things, and we don’t always get to decide when they will begin. We can’t simply declare, “Well, challenges are a good thing, I guess it’s time you practice finally facing that fear. Get to work!” We also can’t entirely ignore a skill that we know they need, but are avoiding having to practice. If a child seems to be avoiding practicing an important skill, they usually need us to help them with the feelings, beliefs or the lack of information that may be holding them back. Then when they are ready to practice, we can see how and if we can be of help.

It’s okay to get help from a pro.

Most of us did not have great examples of skills being passed down to us in a particularly helpful way. You see, parents' feelings can easily infiltrate the lesson they want to teach their children, and this may result in life skills being served with a heaping dose of judgement and absolutes. My parents who grew up poor, had such a strong resistance to debt, that the only lesson about money management that I ever received from them was to avoid credit cards and spending money that you don’t have. 

There are so many reasons to let professionals help us. Nodoby knows your child better than you. But a professional might have some excellent insights into how to consider their neurotype or temperament when teaching them a certain skill. 

Sometimes professionals who specialize in one area, will have fantastic resources to enrich the process of sharing these skills with your child.

About a year ago, my daughter, her dad and I participated in the Growing into You Puberty workshop with Sex Positive families and it was a fantastic experience. Of course, I chose SPF because they feel values-aligned for me, and they made learning information and skills about puberty so much fun for all three of us.

Remember, getting support is not the same as outsourcing the work of teaching your child these skills. Rather, it allows you to model getting help from others and enriching the experience of learning something new and valuable. And you will probably learn quite a bit for yourself too!

You will have feelings about what you are teaching, too.

Teaching our kids the skills to deal with the facts of life will bring up doubts, concerns, fears, and lots of uncomfortable feelings. We may try to override or overcompensate for these feelings by wanting to focus only on taking action, and feeling a sense of urgency to learn the right way to help them. Conversely, our feeling may bring a sense dread or resistance around talking about these skills with them at all.

Some parents feel so resistant to shaming their children in the ways they were once shamed, for example, that they struggle to take action when their kids are needing some feedback and information for navigating life.

So, in addition to the topic-specific guidance you may get from professionals, be sure to make room to have your own feelings listened to by a safe listener. The more honest you can be with yourself about your feelings with another adult, the more clearly you will be able to see what is in your child’s best interest when deciding how and when to teach them important information and skills.

Your influence is only as strong as your relationship with them.

As your children near the tween and teen years, you will need to have created a strong foundation of connection and trust with them, in order for them to feel that you are a source of reliable advice. 

You need to have invested a lot of listening, noticing and responding with attunement in order for them to want to listen to you now. Two parents can use the same exact script for teaching a child some skills around dealing with peer pressure, for example, and have entirely different reception and responses depending on the level of trust that the child has in them.

Also, if your child is older and you are noticing that the relationship needs some strengthening, it is never too late to put some specific work into building that connection.

It makes sense that just as your kids will benefit immensely from you teaching them certain skills–they will also benefit tremendously from you acquiring the skills needed to cultivate a strong relationship with them.

Like many life skills, your parents probably did not model the relational aspect of parenting in ways that you would like to repeat. Perhaps they have tried to explicitly tell you how to parent. But also perhaps, the way they parented and the kind of relationship they have created with you, is not a point of reference for what you want with your own children.

But that doesn’t mean that you don’t get to learn those skills now. 

You get to learn tools for connected relationship with your child, be thoughtful about them, notice the feelings that come up for you around them, and practice your way to mastery in the company of other parents who are on a similar path.

The decision you make to sign up for the Healing Parents Conscious Parenting Course™, will reflect one important skill for moving towards the lives that we want: the ability to be honest with ourselves about what it is that we value, what we struggle with, what we don’t know yet, what we are really good at, and where we need help.

This honesty with yourself is a part of deciding to spend three months learning, reflecting and living your way into a connected and trust-filled relationship with your child.

The kind of relationship that will give them a felt sense that they can rely on you to have their best interest in mind, which is the necessary foundation for all the skills to come.