Three questions to ask kids that tell them they matter
Short on time? Jump to the key takeaways of this blogA few months ago, while snuggled up next to my daughter, I had to stop to catch my breath as I read Kate DiCamilo’s, “Because of Winn Dixie” to her. Right at the end of Chapter 9, my eyes filled with tears and I found myself breathing through the knot that had formed in my throat.
In this particular part of the book, the protagonist, a 10-year-old girl named Opal, is sitting with her newly adopted dog named Winn-Dixie, in the home of Gloria Dump, an elderly woman she has just met.
Gloria Dump says to Opal, “You know my eyes ain’t too good at all. I can’t see nothing but the general shape of things, so I got to rely on my heart. Why don’t you go on and tell me everything about yourself, so as I can see you with my heart.”
Then Opal narrates, “And because Winn-Dixie was looking up at her like she was the best thing he had ever seen, and because the peanut-butter sandwich had been so good, and because I had been waiting for a long time to tell some person everything about me, I did.”
Findings from the field of child development–and general good parenting advice–tell us how very important it is for children to feel listened to, seen, and understood.
And I don’t think we need the research or the parenting expertise in order to know this, because we grown-ups already know how good it feels to feel heard and understood. We also know how painful it is when we feel misunderstood, unheard and unseen.
Like Opal, so many of us have been "waiting for a long time to tell some person everything" about ourselves.
At the same time, when it comes to children, I generally suggest that we adults err on the side of talking or asking less often, and that we focus more on creating the safe conditions for our children to share with us voluntarily. Meaning, instead of asking them to share, we want to respect their particular needs, temperaments and timing, and allow them to open up to us on their terms.
Sometimes they will tell us outright what they want us to know. Other times they will give us a picture, or something special that they found. And as you surely have experienced, at times they will bring us their rage, their unworkable behaviors, and their rigid demands. And to all of these, we learn to remember that behavior is communication and we try our best to respond with deep listening. We teach ourselves to listen with understanding and we practice gratitude for their willingness to share with us.
In this regard, I often advise parents (and remind myself) that what our kids need most when they share themselves with us, is a curious and caring observer–and not an eager detective. However our role as their caregivers does require us to extend invitations for them to share with us. It is our job to consistently express interest in what matters to them, and they must know that it is not their responsibility to make these conversations happen.
Being able to rely on their parents to check in on them is especially important when it comes to matters of their lives that are attached to more vulnerable feelings. They may find it difficult to be the ones to bring these matters to us–even as at the same time, deep down they really want these things to be known by a safe and trusted listener.
When it comes to inquiring into their lives, despite knowing what questions to ask kids, not all children respond easily to our questions. This can happen for myriad reasons, ranging from developmental to temperamental. Some kids are too little, some don't feel as comfortable sharing with words, to name a few. I hear so often from parents who tell me some version of, “my kid just doesn’t tell me much of anything".
Oftentimes parents will notice that their child exhibits signs of feeling unwell emotionally, but they can’t get them to share anything about what’s going on. Or their child will express negative beliefs about themselves or the world, but won’t share where they got these ideas from. This can be such a painful and stressful experience for these good parents.
And even though our children may not share easily or frequently with us, it is important that we inquire into their world in a way that communicates our gentle desire to know their hearts. For those of us who, like Opal, spent so much of our childhoods just wishing somebody would ask us about ourselves, we may feel at a loss for examples of what it looks like for an adult to express their genuine interest in a child in an age-appropriate way.
If you can relate, then you might find the following three questions–which I learned through reparenting myself with IFS–helpful as you think about how to do this with your children.
Three questions to ask kids that tell them they matter. And how to ask them.
Question 1:
What do you want me to know?
Imagine a parent, or perhaps your partner, asking with genuine care and curiosity, if there is anything at all that you would like them to know. Imagine trusting that they are asking with an honest interest in you, with no hidden agenda to make it about them. Imagine knowing that they wouldn't use your response against you, or try to change you. Imagine, also, that when you answer, they will hold what you share with consideration, caring, calm, connectedness to you, compassion, and understanding.
When we imagine this, it becomes quite evident that “What do you want me to know?” is one of the most generous and powerful questions that we can ask someone. No personal agendas, no need for specific information, no anxious probing for clues so we can solve a problem. Just a sincere invitation for the other to share–or not–what is on their mind, heart or both.
How to ask it:
When it comes to this question with younger children, I invite you to use one of my favorite Hand in Hand Parenting tools, Special Time. In Special Time, you will not be specifically asking your child anything, but rather creating a ritual in your relationship where they will be able to show you on a regular basis what it is that they want you to know.
The basics of Special Time:
Set a timer for a specific amount of time (5-20 minutes), and tell your child that until the timer goes off, you will only do whatever they want to do.
During Special Time, delight in your child with a calm enthusiasm. Give them your full attention, and keep your own ideas to yourself. There is no need to do anything other than delight in them as they do their thing, accept any invitations that they might extend to you ("come inside my fort with me"), and follow any instructions that they might give ("you set up the picnic blanket for the stuffies").
When the timer goes off, meet your child where they are at. If their reaction to the timer going off is sadness, meet them there with listening and care. If they are angry, hold space for their angry feelings. If they are happy, thank them for letting you have this Special Time with them.
Why Special Time works:
Special Time shows our kids that we are interested in their hearts, and that we enjoy being close to them as they explore their wishes. Also, because they are the ones who choose what happens in Special Time, and Special Time is with us, we can assume that what they decide to do or talk about or play, and however they decide to BE during Special Time, is communication about the many things going on within them that they would like us to know.
Want to learn more about Special time? We cover this tool in depth in module 2 of the Healing Parents Course–and the waitlist is open for Cohort 15 now.
Here are some other ways you might ask older children what it is that they would like for you to know:
Is there anything that you think kids want their parents to know?
What would you like me to know about you?
Sometimes I wonder if there is anything that you would like for me to know. Is there something you want me to know that you would like to share with me right now?
What’s something that happened at school (at your dad’s house, at swimming lessons, etc.) that you want me to know about?
For kids who know about Parts Work: Is there anything your sad (or scared, happy, silly, etc.) part wants me to know?
Question 2:
Is there anything that you need my help with?
While writing this, I turned to my 9-year-old daughter to try this question out with her, simply and plainly. “Is there anything that you would like me to know about that you need help with?” I asked. Her very natural and almost immediate response was a casual, relaxed “no.” I thanked her, then asked her how she felt about me asking this question. She said "it feels nice" with a smile. And it feels good to me to have asked because I know that even though she did not answer at the moment, she registered my interest in what she might need help with.
Imagine what it would have been like, or even would be like now, for your parent to reach out simply to ask if there is anything you need their help with.
How to ask it:
Once again, Special Time is an excellent tool to use with younger kids in order to learn about how they might be needing your help. It works well with older kids, too. While you don’t explicitly ask the question "Is there anything you need my help with?", Special Time done regularly will likely be used by your child at times to reveal the things and themes in their life that they are needing help with.
Some ways that you might ask older children about what they need help with:
Is there anything going on in your life right now that you need my help with?
What’s something you think a lot of kids need help with that we parents should know about?
Did you know that asking for help is a really useful thing to practice? Do you want to make a list together of some of the things we would like some help with right now?
Question 3:
What are you afraid of?
I tried this one out with my daughter as well. Respecting her privacy, I won't share her answer with you. But I will tell you that it rolled off her tongue as if it had just been waiting there to be asked about. And I am so glad that I did ask!
You may have guessed by now, that again, Special Time is also an excellent way to allow children to work on their fears in your presence, on their own terms. Remember, never during Special Time do we probe, prod or try to extract information from our children. Nor do we make appraisals or observations such as, “Oooh, I see that you are playing something super scaaaary.” But it is likely that, if you are doing it regularly, their fears will surface on occasion in the activities and behavior that they choose during Special Time.
Another tool that is good for helping younger children with fear, is the Hand in Hand Parenting tool, PlayListening. In PlayListening, you allow your child to have the upper hand in play, and you might playfully exaggerate your own fears, for example saying “noooo don’t turn the light off, that’s scary!” as they flip off the light switch with delight and you trip, fall and just can’t seem to make your way to flip it back on.
Also, you do not always have to play explicitly with the theme of fear in order for Playlistening to be helpful. Chasing them clumsily around the house with the hairbrush and having a play “tantrum” because you just can’t catch them and finally brush their hair, for example, will also help children to work on their underlying fears, even if they aren’t specifically addressed.
Some other ways you might ask about fears with children who are old enough to talk about it:
Did you know that everyone feels afraid sometimes? You don’t have to tell me what you are afraid of. I just want you to know that even though people don’t talk about fear a lot, we all feel it sometimes. If there is anything you are feeling afraid about, I’m happy to listen.
Sometimes when I am feeling afraid, I tell someone I trust about it. That helps so that my fear doesn’t get so big that it stops me from being able to do the things that I like to do. Are there any things that feel scary to you lately that you would like to draw or tell me about?
For children familiar with Parts Work: Is there anything your scared part wants me to know?
Timing:
When is the right time to ask these questions?
Now that you are thinking about the ways in which you might ask your child about their lives, I invite you to also consider your timing.
When it comes to Special Time, you can probably ask them pretty much any time if they want to do a Special Time and it’s likely they will say yes. In fact, most kids who know about Special Time ask for it regularly.
When it comes to asking these questions more directly, each child will respond in ways as unique as their own story, temperament and age. However, a few general rules of thumb include:
Don’t interrupt them while they are doing something that they are deeply engaged in,
Don’t ask in front of others or even with other adults (such as their other parent) or siblings,
DO accept a “no” or non-response,
DO ask first: “Is it okay if I ask you a question?”
DO choose a place where a child who is not as comfortable with direct eye contact can feel at ease (like the car).
What to do after they've shared–or not shared–about themselves with you.
When you extend a bid for communication from a place of caring, the moment can be connecting and strengthening for the relationship, regardless of your child's response. Here are some ways to foster that connection, whether they've chosen to share with you or not.
In every case, before saying anything, start with appreciative, warm eye contact and no words. Silence and a gentle gaze can go far in communicating safety and appreciation.
If they said they don't have anything to share with you, or simply didn't respond, be sure to thank them for this. You might say something like, “thanks for letting me know."
If they do share, thank them as well. “Thank you for telling me, I am really glad I know this.”
If they have shared something tender or vulnerable, ask if they want a hug or if you can come closer or sit beside them.
The questions “What do you want me to know?”, “What do you need help with?” and “What are you afraid of?” are commonly used when reparenting our inner children using Internal Family Systems.
If like me, having conversations like these with your children is one of many ways that you are breaking old cycles of disconnection and creating new ones built on trust and respect, I hope that these ideas are helpful for you as you do this very important work.
Be sure to get my free Parts Work and Parenting booklet to deepen your healing with Internal Family Systems
Key Takeaways from this blog:
Children need to feel known by us- they need to feel seen, heard, understood and like we care deeply for them.
Responding with understanding and good listening when our children choose to share with us, is a very powerful way to show our children that their experiences matter to us. This respects their timing and decisions to share.
As their parents, we also need to invite our children to share about their experiences with us, to show our interest and caring about them.
There are three questions that can guide our invitations to share: What do you want me to know? What do you need my help with? What are you afraid of?
Remember to be generous, curious and caring when you ask questions, as opposed to eager, probing or extractive.
Always thank them for sharing, even if all they share is that they don’t feel like answering your questions!
Get my free Parts Work and Parenting booklet to deepen your healing with Internal Family Systems